This is a conversation I had with someone in IRC. It is unedited except for the removal of the name of the person I was talking to, because I haven't gotten his/her permission to share it:
[02:52] xxxxxx> lol imagine some idiot theist about to die and waiting so patiently for an afterlife...
[02:53] xxxxxx> It almost is sad and painful to imagine.
[02:54] xxxxxx> I can't believe people can live their lives like that. It baffles me.
[02:54] sexyfunkymonkie> i lived my life like that for a while
[02:54] sexyfunkymonkie> it's scary
[02:55] xxxxxx> I'm glad that when I was religious that I wasn't really into it much, and didn't really think about it much. I went to church and believed in God. Never really examined what I believed. Examined what I believed and found out there is no evidence to back it up.
[02:56] sexyfunkymonkie> sadly, i was not the same
[02:56] sexyfunkymonkie> i was always afraid of hell though
[02:56] sexyfunkymonkie> as a theist
[02:57] sexyfunkymonkie> only when i stoped believing did that go away
[02:57] sexyfunkymonkie> i was also afraid of heaven
[02:57] sexyfunkymonkie> i was scared to die and go to heaven
[02:57] sexyfunkymonkie> i dont know of anyone else who is afraid of taht
[02:57] sexyfunkymonkie> lol
[02:57] xxxxxx> That sucks. Some people have the worst time just denying their religion. Or even leaving it. I know mormonism and islam is pretty hard to get out of.
[02:57] sexyfunkymonkie> i was afraid that i would get there, and i wouldnt have been good enough for god
[02:58] sexyfunkymonkie> and we would have this weird, awkward relationship where i was living in his paradice, even though we both knew i didnt deserve to be there
[02:58] sexyfunkymonkie> isnt that a fucked up thing for a kid to think about?
[02:58] xxxxxx> Yeah it is.
[02:59] sexyfunkymonkie> it's like...not fear of retribution, just fear of disappointing god
[02:59] sexyfunkymonkie> also, i was really jealous of god
[02:59] sexyfunkymonkie> well, not really of ghod
[02:59] sexyfunkymonkie> god
[02:59] sexyfunkymonkie> i was jealous of other believers
[02:59] sexyfunkymonkie> cause i wanted to be close to god, i wanted to be his "best friend" or whatever, lol
[03:00] sexyfunkymonkie> i was like a fucking stalker child, lol
[03:00] sexyfunkymonkie> i wanted god all to myself
[03:00] xxxxxx> lol
[03:00] sexyfunkymonkie> its fucking weird
[03:00] sexyfunkymonkie> but...that's how i felt
[03:00] sexyfunkymonkie> it's super unhealthy
[03:00] sexyfunkymonkie> lol
[03:00] xxxxxx> I remember as a kid I was always really scared of demons and hell.
[03:01] sexyfunkymonkie> i was scared of other religions hells
[03:01] sexyfunkymonkie> i was like reverse-pascal's wagering as a kid
[03:01] sexyfunkymonkie> lol
[03:01] sexyfunkymonkie> i was always afraid id find out that it was the muslim god who was real
[03:01] sexyfunkymonkie> so id go to his hell
[03:01] sexyfunkymonkie> something like that
[03:02] sexyfunkymonkie> it was when i realized "they are all the same" that's when i was like...wait...so MY god would send people to that same hell im so afraid of?
[03:02] sexyfunkymonkie> i had never really thought of it that way
[03:02] xxxxxx> I never thought about that stuff. I always took Christianity as real, and I didn't really pay attention to other people's beliefs. I just accepted mine as true. I really didn't even think about religion that much. I never really thought about custom just about God heaven and hell.
[03:03] sexyfunkymonkie> lol, you're lucky then
[03:03] sexyfunkymonkie> haha
[03:03] sexyfunkymonkie> i was OBSESSED
[03:03] sexyfunkymonkie> at one point i spent 7 hours a day in my room praying and reading the bible and "worshiping" god
[03:03] sexyfunkymonkie> cause i was obsessed with trying to feel close to god
[03:04] xxxxxx> wow
[03:04] xxxxxx> Are your parents fundamentalists?
[03:04] sexyfunkymonkie> lol, they are now
[03:04] sexyfunkymonkie> the fucked up thing, was that they just kinda went to church and weren't really big on religion
[03:05] sexyfunkymonkie> then i got way into it
[03:05] sexyfunkymonkie> and so they kind of followed me
[03:05] sexyfunkymonkie> they started investing more into it
[03:05] sexyfunkymonkie> and got really extreme
[03:05] sexyfunkymonkie> though, i dont think that even they were ever as extreme as i was
[03:05] sexyfunkymonkie> and then i managed to get out of it
[03:05] sexyfunkymonkie> they did not
[03:05] xxxxxx> How did you turn to a nonbeliever?
[03:05]
[03:06] sexyfunkymonkie> that's kind of a fucked up story
[03:06] sexyfunkymonkie> brb
[03:07] sexyfunkymonkie> well, before i could get out, i had to get deeper in
[03:07] sexyfunkymonkie> lol
[03:07] xxxxxx> oh
[03:08] sexyfunkymonkie> like i said, i wanted to be close to god more than anything
[03:08] sexyfunkymonkie> and i was so stressed out and scared because i just didnt really feel anything
[03:08] sexyfunkymonkie> and i just needed to hear from god, i needed direction or encouragement or something
[03:08] sexyfunkymonkie> i was on a mission trip to Mexico with my church one summer
[03:09] sexyfunkymonkie> and on the trip we would go out and "witness" and do community service and stuff, then at night, we'd come back to the base and have worship services
[03:10] sexyfunkymonkie> one night, we were all singing about how great jeebus was and all that jazz
[03:10] sexyfunkymonkie> and i was going crazy, cause i just felt so emotional, but i really didnt feel connected to god
[03:11] sexyfunkymonkie> and i needed to hear from god and i was so emotional, off in this strange place, foreign country, all that
[03:11] sexyfunkymonkie> at some point i dropped to my knees and looked up at the pulpit, and i just saw fire everywhere
[03:12] sexyfunkymonkie> all i could see was fire
[03:12] sexyfunkymonkie> and i heard a voice in my head that said something like "more than just a friend, more than just a savior, a KING"
[03:12] sexyfunkymonkie> idk exactly, i have it written down in a journal
[03:12] sexyfunkymonkie> but basically i was halucinating
[03:13] sexyfunkymonkie> for the next part, its probably important to know that I have sleep paralysis from time to time
[03:13] sexyfunkymonkie> which is like waking up and not being able to move, halucinating, things like that
[03:14] sexyfunkymonkie> i only had it a couple times as a child, but more often now that im a bit older
[03:14] sexyfunkymonkie> anyway, one of the first times i remember experiencing this was the next morning
[03:14] sexyfunkymonkie> i woke up in bed to my leg shaking violently
[03:14] sexyfunkymonkie> and then my whole body just seizing up
[03:15] sexyfunkymonkie> and there was some kind of demon trying to enter my body
[03:15] sexyfunkymonkie> and i tried to scream and jump up, but i couldnt
[03:15] sexyfunkymonkie> and then suddenly, the demon rose out of me, i sat up in bed and everything was perfectly normal
[03:16] sexyfunkymonkie> and my friend was in the bed next to me, so i woke him up cause i was scared shitless
[03:16] sexyfunkymonkie> and i was like "how did you sleep through that?"
[03:16] sexyfunkymonkie> he was like "wtf are you talking about"
[03:16] sexyfunkymonkie> i was like "idk, i think i just had a seizure or something"
[03:16] sexyfunkymonkie> now i know what it actually was, but at the time, i thought a demon was trying to possess me
[03:17] sexyfunkymonkie> ANYWAY
[03:17] sexyfunkymonkie> i told all this to my mom (who was with me on the trip)
[03:17] sexyfunkymonkie> and to our youth pastor (who i was really close friends with as well)
[03:17] xxxxxx> This all has to do with you converting?
[03:17] sexyfunkymonkie> yes, sorry
[03:17] sexyfunkymonkie> you're getting the long version
[03:17] sexyfunkymonkie> i'll speed it up
[03:17] sexyfunkymonkie> lol
[03:17] xxxxxx> np go ahead I'm interested to hear.
[03:18] sexyfunkymonkie> anyway, those two did what is possibly the greatest injustice anyone has ever done to me in my life
[03:18] sexyfunkymonkie> they encouraged it
[03:18] sexyfunkymonkie> they thought it was just great that i was (totally fucking delusional) recieving messages from god
[03:19] sexyfunkymonkie> so after that, this started to happen from time to time
[03:19] sexyfunkymonkie> never as vividly
[03:19] sexyfunkymonkie> well, that's not true
[03:19] sexyfunkymonkie> a couple of times it was just as vivid
[03:19] sexyfunkymonkie> anyway
[03:19] sexyfunkymonkie> id have dreams, or think i heard a voice speaking to me durring worship
[03:19] sexyfunkymonkie> whatever
[03:19] sexyfunkymonkie> god was speaking to me
[03:20] sexyfunkymonkie> (my subconscious was manifesting in halucinations)
[03:20] sexyfunkymonkie> and so as time went on, god started to tell me some weirder, more specific things
[03:20] xxxxxx> I so hope you don't cop out and be like "one day I read the god delusion, and the end"
[03:20] sexyfunkymonkie> weirdest and most specific had to do with this girl who i had a major crush on at the time
[03:20] sexyfunkymonkie> oh, no
[03:20] sexyfunkymonkie> lol
[03:21] sexyfunkymonkie> so, anyway, i had had a crush on this girl for years, but she was much younger than me, so i didnt ever act on it
[03:21] sexyfunkymonkie> i was a freshman in high school at this point, and she was like a 6th-7th grader
[03:21] sexyfunkymonkie> something like that
[03:22] sexyfunkymonkie> anyway, i finally started talking to her and we became really good friends
[03:22] xxxxxx> I said converted no turned to a preist.
[03:22] sexyfunkymonkie> and then things got weird
[03:22] xxxxxx> not*
[03:22] xxxxxx> go on
[03:22] sexyfunkymonkie> because god told me that i was meant to marry her
[03:23] sexyfunkymonkie> go ahead and facepalm
[03:23] sexyfunkymonkie> lol
[03:23] xxxxxx> So what happened?
[03:23] sexyfunkymonkie> anyway, we continued to be friends and stuff
[03:23] sexyfunkymonkie> oh, she had a boyfriend at the time
[03:23] sexyfunkymonkie> important side-note
[03:23] sexyfunkymonkie> XD
[03:24] xxxxxx> Wow. A boyfriend in middleschool. kids these days.
[03:24] sexyfunkymonkie> i tried to convince her to leave her boyfriend and shit, (he was an asshole)
[03:24] sexyfunkymonkie> lol
[03:24] sexyfunkymonkie> but anyway...
[03:24] xxxxxx> They're always assholes.
[03:24] sexyfunkymonkie> i think she might have actually broken up with him
[03:24] sexyfunkymonkie> idek
[03:24] sexyfunkymonkie> but the point was, at some point, i told her that god had said i was going to marry her
[03:25] sexyfunkymonkie> and she did the appropriate thing to do, and decided she never wanted to speak to me again
[03:25] xxxxxx> I wonder if I told some hot fundie chick this if she would believe me.
[03:25] sexyfunkymonkie> lol
[03:25] sexyfunkymonkie> do not use my deconversion story to try and get laid through prophesy
[03:25] sexyfunkymonkie> XD
[03:25] sexyfunkymonkie> anyway
[03:26] xxxxxx> lol
[03:26] sexyfunkymonkie> i tried to contact this girl a time or two, but her brother (who i was friends with at the time) told me that if i didnt leave her alone, he'd have to kick my ass
[03:27] sexyfunkymonkie> this did not make me lose faith, however
[03:27] sexyfunkymonkie> what it did do was make me leave the church
[03:27] sexyfunkymonkie> forced me out, in a way
[03:27] sexyfunkymonkie> as i was much too embarrassed by all that had gone on to go to church anymore
[03:27] xxxxxx> lol
[03:27] sexyfunkymonkie> people knew what had happened somehow, though she always sweared that she had told no one
[03:28] sexyfunkymonkie> anyway, outside of the neverending reinforcement of church
[03:28] sexyfunkymonkie> i started to question things
[03:29] sexyfunkymonkie> "What do I really believe?"
[03:29] sexyfunkymonkie> if the god who i thought was speaking to me was wrong about this...then what else was I wrong about?
[03:29] sexyfunkymonkie> because obviously, i'm probably not going to marry this girl
[03:29] sexyfunkymonkie> lol
[03:30] xxxxxx> And then that's it?
[03:30] sexyfunkymonkie> anyway, as i had said, ive always been afraid of the afterlife
[03:30] sexyfunkymonkie> nope, more
[03:30] sexyfunkymonkie> XD
[03:31] sexyfunkymonkie> so i started to wonder, "What do I actually believe about the afterlife?"
[03:31] sexyfunkymonkie> and I realized how fucked up the concept of hell was
[03:31] sexyfunkymonkie> how could anyone believe it was right and just for people to be tortured forever for their sins
[03:32] sexyfunkymonkie> and so i decided for a while, that i was still a christian, but i thought that since jesus had died for our sins, everyone was going to heaven
[03:32] sexyfunkymonkie> and "accepting him" was just some nonsense put out by the church to get people to come
[03:32] sexyfunkymonkie> (i wish more christians actually believed THAT btw)
[03:32] sexyfunkymonkie> lol
[03:33] sexyfunkymonkie> but eventually I found some atheist videos on youtube
[03:33] sexyfunkymonkie> and they pointed out how the creation story was just as ridiculous as the concept of hell
[03:33] sexyfunkymonkie> and piece by piece the entire thing fell apart
[03:34] xxxxxx> good
[03:34] sexyfunkymonkie> i then went into nihilistic depression for a while
[03:34] sexyfunkymonkie> until i decided that i didnt need god to give me purpose, damn it!
[03:34] sexyfunkymonkie> id make my own
[03:34] sexyfunkymonkie> and hedonism took over XD
[03:34] sexyfunkymonkie> and now i just live to enjoy life, and to help others enjoy life as well
[03:35] sexyfunkymonkie> true story
[03:35] sexyfunkymonkie> that's about it
[03:35] sexyfunkymonkie> it's a bit anti-climactic but at least no Dues ex Dawkins
[03:35] sexyfunkymonkie> amirite?
